and as if that wasn’t enough

On December 7th, W broke her ankle in three places.  And required surgery.  And is now the proud owner of a plate and six screws holding her ankle together.  And has been out of work since then and can’t put any weight on it until at least the end of January. 

On the other hand… we are well past the solstice, so I’m coming out of my light-deprivation cocoon and feeling more human again.  I’ve been knitting lots of scarves including an Irish Hiking scarf (if I were cool I’d link to the pattern, but hey, apparently I’m not that cool–I bet if you google it you can probably find it) with a really luscious alpaca/wool/something else blend yarn. 

Soon, maybe, I’ll be back in a place where I can actually share my life on a more regular basis.  No promises, but I’m hoping. 

let’s put it this way

Yes, it’s been a long, long time.

1. new job (yay!)

2. new puppy (double yay!)

3. taking a night class in accounting (eh, fun but not exactly ‘yay!’)

I’ll work on getting some pictures of the new puppy up here somehow. His name is Frankie, he’s a Bichon-Yorkie mix, and he’s 6 pounds of total cuteness (and attitude). And yes, we’re insane for getting another dog. (We already had two dogs and two cats.) Frankie is my little buddy, though, since the other two (larger) dogs are more for W. It’s a miracle I talked W into letting us get a little dog. She’s never been a fan, but Frankie won her over. It’s going very well so far, except that Frankie doesn’t like the cold weather. To be more specific, he doesn’t like having to poop outside when it’s cold. Can’t say that I blame him, but luckily I’m not a dog.

Oh, other new development–I’m knitting! Having fun with it. So that takes away from blogging time, too. But I’m still here, still doing well. Very well, actually.

it makes me mad

It makes me mad when I’m invisible.  I was at the grocery store tonight, and a group of about six or seven twenty-something dykes got in line behind me.  And they had no idea I was even there.  But the thing is, unless I have rainbow stuff draped all over me, or I’m standing next to W, I’m totally invisible to gaydar.  I know that there are benefits to that, but times like tonight, it makes me sad that I don’t have that little nod of acknowledgment.

I tried for a long time to look more like a lesbian, i.e., more butch.  It just didn’t work.  It’s not who I am.  I’m femme, it’s what makes me happy, it’s the truest expression of me.  And luckily I figured it out pretty early in life and found a woman who appreciates the real me.  But it makes me sad to be invisible to my community.

just when I thought everything was quiet

I got a phone call at work this morning from the HR department.  The woman was wondering if I had  noticed a particular job posting and if I was interested in applying for it.  So I ended up talking to the director of the relevant department who drove over to “drop off a resume” but was really just checking me out for the job.  And then I had to tell my current boss I’m applying for yet another job.  (That’s the way it works at my company–in order to transfer, you have to fill something out and give it to your current supervisor.)  Then a half hour later, I was asking my boss about something else, and she said, “Promise you won’t do anything while I’m away.”  (She’s going on vacation next week.)  I told her of course not, because I’m on vacation next week, too.  (Yay, yay, yay!!)  “Good,” she said.  “When you come back I’ll have options for  you.”  Veeerrry interesting.

So yes, this is all good news.  Options are good.  People wanting me to apply for jobs is good.  (It’s that math major thing.  People get all excited.)  But, as I wrote the other day, I’m finally feeling content with my life and my job.  I know, I’ll probably be bored again next month.  It was just a stressful day with all this decision-making and phone-calling and so on.  New Coworker overheard all these conversations and got very stressed-out looking, too.  And I hated telling my boss I was applying for something else.  Although, if it prompts her to come up with “options” maybe that’s a good thing.  We’ll see once the options are explained, I guess.

I am grateful, though.  Grateful to be appreciated and recognized at work.  And the best thing of all is that even if none of the options work out, my fallback position is my current job, which I quite enjoy.  What’s that phrase from Getting to Yes? Best alternative to negotiated agreement.  BATNA.  Yep, my BATNA is the status quo, and I’m enjoying the status quo.  It’s a very nice place to be negotiating from.

In other news, it’s unbearably hot.  We’re leaving for Illinois in less than two days.  Woohoo!  A whole week off!  We’re driving, which I’m actually looking forward to.  Have you ever seen AAA’s online TripTik thing?  The coolest thing ever.  And we’re stopping at Niagara Falls on the way home.

I talked to my mom after work, to tell her about the job situation.  She told me that Grandma (the reason we’re going to the Land of Lincoln) had called the other day, concerned about terminology, as my mom put it.  Grandma is 84 years old, and everyone just loves her.  Me included, of course.  Anyway,  she called to ask how my parents usually introduce W to people.  Apparently she can’t quite bring herself to call her my wife.  (This is rural Illinois we’re talking about, a very different place than Massachusetts.)  So she wanted to know if my parents thought “partner” would be okay.  I just adore my grandma.  Not only has she been incredibly loving and accepting towards me ever since I came out to her (totally not something to take for granted, given her age and where she lives), but she has always been so welcoming and accepting towards W, too.   I was a little concerned I was going to have to call W my “friend” for a week, but willing to do it to make Grandma feel comfortable.  I know that one of her best friends is openly and out-spokenly homophobic and Grandma has never told her about me.  I don’t know if we’ll see that friend on this visit.  I just think Grandma is so brave and generous and open-hearted.

This is probably the last post for about a week, until we’re back in the land of the internet-connection.  (Grandma may be awesome, but she doesn’t have wireless internet in her house.)   I know you’ll all muddle along without me somehow.  Be well!

happy

It’s been pointed out to me by a couple of friends that I come across as pretty sad lately on this blog. I think I mainly have been inspired to blog when I’m worried or upset or sad about something, so the emotional balance here is skewed. Anyway, it just occurred to me as I was walking to my car after work today that I’m so happy right now. I love my job. Yes, the job I’ve been desperately trying to get away from. That’s right. Because all of a sudden I have more than enough to do, I have a new coworker who looks up to me and thinks I’m nice and funny and smart. I really like being the senior person and not having to hide that I’m better at our job than the person who taught me. And we have a nice new office with really big desks. So I’m feeling recognized and appreciated and no longer bored. It’s making a big difference.

And I also feel like I’m suddenly making some friends. Maybe I reached the tipping point, maybe I started making more of an effort, or maybe the Universe heard my request. And vacation is only days away. And W and I had a really nice relationship talk last night. Don’t worry, no big crisis or anything, just one of those ‘Where are we now?’ talks that brought us to some nice conclusions and felt affirming and good. So, don’t worry about me, I’m doing great.

At the same time, there was sad news today, too. Big love to Jen and Jen. Sam was a great dog.

a fun day

We (Greta Jane and I) went to Webs, the Montague Bookmill, the Meetinghouse used bookstore, Whole Foods, the Northampton sidewalk sales, and then back home.  A very fun day.  And we did it all with the help of W’s new GPS thingy for the car (an early anniversary present) that told us how to get from one place to the next with absolutely no stress.  It was wonderful.

And then I had gluten-free pizza and gluten-free beer for dinner.  Heaven without the tummy-ache.

a visit

A friend from school is coming to visit this weekend.  She’ll be here very soon, in fact.  We’re going to go play in Northampton and other nearby locations tomorrow, then to a concert at Tanglewood on Sunday.  I’m very excited.  W has tons of around-the-house projects to attend to, so Greta Jane and I will be on our own.  (I’d call it a girls’ weekend, but all my weekends are girls’ weekends, considering the gender of my spouse.)

And my darling little car has a new left axle.  And we’re going on vacation in a week!  I love my new office, (even though I was hoping not to have to be in it for much longer.)  So, all in all, I’m a happy woman today.

I just heard a car, so my buddy may be here.  Have a wonderful weekend!

yet again

I didn’t get this job either.  The one that “Bob” called and spent 45 minutes trying to talk me into applying for.  That one.  The one that I was doubtful about, then excited about.  The one that made my soul lift and gave me hope that I could be myself again.  He just called and told me he gave it to someone else.  Fine.  I’m so glad I served as a backup for them.

I’m being really bitter about this for some reason.  The truth is, I had some serious misgivings about the whole thing.  We would have had to give up our great health insurance, I would have had to drive hundreds of miles a week again and spend time away from W.  It would have been stressful and crazy and I’ve really been wondering if this is right.

In fact, on my way home, I was worrying about all those things, the stress level, the drive, the everything.  And something inside me just suddnely said to the universe, “I trust you.”  I trust you to lead me to the right job for me.  So I’m going to try to get myself back to that place.

But first, there’s just a little bit of “Fuck you, universe, for messing with my head.”

done (no spoilers, I promise)

I finished Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows last night just before midnight. I was going to post this last night right away, but I fell asleep. Way past my normal bedtime, you know. All I’m going to say is that it was really good.

plays nicely with others

Today was my new coworker’s first day.  So I spent the whole day sitting next to her, teaching how to do what we do.  It actually went very well.  She was pleasant, smart, fun, and interesting.  We’ve already had some nice conversations.  I have no reservations about sharing close quarters with her, which is a really nice first impression to have.  But the whole day I kept thinking, I might be leaving soon.  I might be going to that other job soon.  Once or twice she even said, “Good thing you’re going to be around.”  And I would smile and nod, but at the same time be thinking, “Yeah, but not for very long at all.”  I hope.  I haven’t heard anything from Bob (the minister who called me last week about that other job) yet, so I’m starting to get nervous.  I should call.  Just make sure he got the resume and everything.

When a day goes well, like it did today, despite all the craziness, it makes me ask if I really want to leave.  Do I want to lose my amazing health insurance and assorted benefits and start driving all the way across the state again?  Do I want a stressful job where I have to convince people to volunteer to teach Sunday school? Do I want all those meetings and complications and feelings and all that?  Wouldn’t it just be safer to stay put in my glorified data entry job that I can do with my eyes closed and never risk having my emotional life impinged on?

Of course it would be safer.  But it’s not enough for me.  I’ve known that for a while now.  I’ve always known it, actually, from day one.  I knew I wouldn’t be doing this forever.  And I’ve gotten used to feeling safe.  But if I keep on making myself small to stay in this job, I’m going to eventually get bitter and angry and mean.  I never want to be that person.

I hope I’m not making a mistake.  It’s such a crazy decision.  My friends and family seem to think it’s a good opportunity for me.  And I think so too, I really do.  But it’s hard to break out of the safe world I’ve built for myself.  The thing is, of course, that’s it’s apparently safe, but it’s not truly safe for my psyche.  My psyche is slowly being damaged by making myself small.  And that’s far more dangerous and scary than putting myself out there, when I really make myself think about it.

Deep breath.  May all things unfold as they are meant to.