This is going to be a nasty week. I’m still waiting to hear anything about the job, so I think that raises my anxiety level. And of course the PMS is ratcheting up, too. My tolerance for stupidity is just about zero. I have a very well-meaning coworker, office-mate, actually, who just can drive me up a wall. Why is it that not-so-bright people often are positive that they’re right? I mean, I’m often positive that I’m right, too, but that’s usually because I really am right, not just because I would like that to be the case. Luckily, annoying office-mate was gone most of today and is taking tomorrow off.
I spent yesterday putting up curtains. They’re up now. They took all day yesterday. At one point I almost threw the screwdriver across the room because the screws weren’t screwing correctly. But I didn’t, because as I took aim I realized I would have hit Tanner, my sweet little dog. So I ran out of the house into the backyard, slamming the door in both dogs’ faces. The second time I had a temper tantrum, the dogs were already outside. When they came to investigate why Mommy was sitting on the ground in the middle of the lawn, I almost took a swing at them. Why do I get so very angry? I feel like I turn into this horrible monster. I’ve been having this problem lately. Lots of anger. I’m having a harder and harder time keeping it in, and I do try, because W really hates it when people yell and scream and bang things. But I just can’t hold it in all the time. Because when I do, it just gets worse. I don’t want to hold it in so long that I end up slugging the dog or kicking the cat. I don’t want to be that person. I don’t think I am that person. But…
I calmed down, and then I cried, and that made me feel better. And W is getting less freaked out by my tantrums. Why do I have to have them? I don’t know. But I always have and maybe I always will. It scares me. Lately it’s not just flaring and going away. It flares and then it simmers. How do I get rid of the simmer? How do I get it out of me? I want to find a way to be myself in this community. It’s taking a while to find my place. Maybe finding a better job for me will be part of that. Finding friends in the area. Finding a way to fit in here. I need to establish this as my own community, not just mine by marriage. I live here now. I have to let myself really come out and live here, not just hide behind the good little girl that everyone sees. Because I’ll keep being angry, and then I’ll be bitter and mean, and there’s no way I’m going to live that life. I’m sick of being invisible. I know, I make myself invisible, it’s my own fault. But still, I need to be me. How do I do a better job being me? Why is it scary to expose my real self? Silly question. Just, how do I do this?
