I don’t usually feel lonely. I like my life, my work, my home, my marriage. But it takes me a long time to make new friends, and it’s taking me a particularly long time in my new community. I’ve been working and living here full time for almost two years now. But still, no friends. I’m friendly with people at work, but there’s no one that I call or hang out with. And today it’s hitting me hard. I’m lonely. And I don’t really know what to do about it. I tried calling some of my non-local friends, but no one was home. I have things to do to occupy my mind and my time. I want to join a local chorus, but they are inactive during the summer, so I’m waiting for the fall for that one. I used to go to yoga classes, but since I hurt my back I haven’t been able to do that. I joined a book group, but it turned out it was full of people I already knew from my church and didn’t really like that much.
I think I don’t have much faith that there really is anyone here for me to be friends with. I’m convinced I’m too different, too strange, too young, too old, too something. Too intellectual, too weird, too gay. Too boring. All the insecurities come marching up. This is an old, old fear, the fear that no one will like me or that no one will understand me. I’ve spent the last year and a half at work pretending to be more like the people I work with, hiding my level of education, being quiet about my sexuality (not closeted, just quiet and discrete), not letting my personality and sense of humor have full rein. And I’ve forgotten how to be myself. Afraid to be myself around people who might not like that version of me, because that would hurt. I haven’t given anyone the chance to know me. But at the same time, there aren’t many people I’m interested in being friends with among my current acquaintance. And besides, I don’t know how to be friends with people in this grownup life I live. I’m retreating back into the shy girl I was all through school. I was better once I hit college, more among safe and similar people. People I understood and didn’t have to hide from, as much. But now… I’m back in the real world. How do I do this?
I don’t mean to sound pathetic. I just want to know how to find those people who must be out there, wishing for a friend like me.
As for the job, the one I applied for, I’m most likely not going to get it. I talked to HR and they told me they’re looking for someone with more relevant experience. Not an official no, just a discouraging sign. I’ll let you know when I hear definitely.
Ah you sound like me. I moved from a city I’d lived in for my entire adult life, back to my home state. I went from having a wonderful, full life to one with no friends. There seemed to be no one around here that I felt comfortable with because of all the same reasons you listed: I’m too weird, intellectual, artistic, etc (not gay, but that would just add another one to the list, wouldn’t it?). I felt different from all the people here and after 15 years, I’m still too different for most of them. I tried to make nice with the other mommies at my son’s school, but it was clear we were on different wavelengths. I don’t have an answer for you, just a sympathetic cyber-ear from someone who understands.
And good luck with your job search. You’ll eventually get the job you’re supposed to have.
Thanks for commenting–it made my morning to log in and see your comment there. Very nice that the first comment on my little blog is in response to my post titled “loneliness” isn’t it? Thanks.