Today was my new coworker’s first day. So I spent the whole day sitting next to her, teaching how to do what we do. It actually went very well. She was pleasant, smart, fun, and interesting. We’ve already had some nice conversations. I have no reservations about sharing close quarters with her, which is a really nice first impression to have. But the whole day I kept thinking, I might be leaving soon. I might be going to that other job soon. Once or twice she even said, “Good thing you’re going to be around.” And I would smile and nod, but at the same time be thinking, “Yeah, but not for very long at all.” I hope. I haven’t heard anything from Bob (the minister who called me last week about that other job) yet, so I’m starting to get nervous. I should call. Just make sure he got the resume and everything.
When a day goes well, like it did today, despite all the craziness, it makes me ask if I really want to leave. Do I want to lose my amazing health insurance and assorted benefits and start driving all the way across the state again? Do I want a stressful job where I have to convince people to volunteer to teach Sunday school? Do I want all those meetings and complications and feelings and all that? Wouldn’t it just be safer to stay put in my glorified data entry job that I can do with my eyes closed and never risk having my emotional life impinged on?
Of course it would be safer. But it’s not enough for me. I’ve known that for a while now. I’ve always known it, actually, from day one. I knew I wouldn’t be doing this forever. And I’ve gotten used to feeling safe. But if I keep on making myself small to stay in this job, I’m going to eventually get bitter and angry and mean. I never want to be that person.
I hope I’m not making a mistake. It’s such a crazy decision. My friends and family seem to think it’s a good opportunity for me. And I think so too, I really do. But it’s hard to break out of the safe world I’ve built for myself. The thing is, of course, that’s it’s apparently safe, but it’s not truly safe for my psyche. My psyche is slowly being damaged by making myself small. And that’s far more dangerous and scary than putting myself out there, when I really make myself think about it.
Deep breath. May all things unfold as they are meant to.
