finishing things

I have a problem finishing things. I’ve always had difficulty finishing projects and stuff like that. I think it’s about not liking things to be over.  I remember crying at midnight on New Year’s Eve as a kid because 1988 was over forever, and we would never ever see it again.  Recently, though, my problem has extended to not being able to finish exciting books or TV shows. I could barely bring myself to watch the season finale of Buffy the Vampire Slayer when we were watching the DVDs of season… 5 I think. And I listened to most of Diana Gabaldon’s A Breath of Snow and Ashes on tape but then couldn’t manage to listen to the last one (after listening to about 39 tapes, I couldn’t listen to the last one. How annoying is that. I still don’t know how it ended.) Now I have the final Harry Potter book sitting on my kitchen table, and I have a feeling there’s going to be a problem. Not only is it a book with conflict at the end (I’m assuming), it’s also the end of the whole series. Serious end-related stress.

Here’s my deal. The most stressful part of a book usually comes at the end. Climax and conflict resolution and all that. I’ve been in stress-avoid mode for about two years now (hence the boring job after burnout and all that.) It’s been really aggravating for W when we watch or listen to these stories together. I just don’t want to live through the stress. Unfortunately, stress-free books and stories are boring. Plot requires conflict. Stress-free conflict is not actually conflict. I am too invested in these stories, and for some reason it’s just really hard to live through their most heart-wrenching and difficult moments. So I was very excited about this book. And then I realized that I was going to have to read it.

I’m just going to have to get over it. That’s all. It’s hard being a weirdo, what can I say?

brain splat

Yesterday’s post was…a little insane. Sorry about that. I wrote the first half of it after getting the phone call about the job, when I was still trying to get my head around what was going on. Then I talked it over with W and also with one of our friends who used to do this kind of work in a different church, to get some perspective on whether it was doable, and it seems like it really might be. So the second half of the post I wrote the next day (Friday) at work, because I really wanted to put it up there, but it just turned into brain splat because I was so emotional about the whole thing. Emotional about the potential job and also emotional about my current job. My current job is in a bit of a meltdown. Four or five major changes are happening all at once–one coworker leaving, another new one starting next week, changing offices, and some work-related changes that are still getting ironed out. Any one of these might throw me for a bit of a loop, but all at once they make my brain hurt.

I don’t think I actually managed to communicate why the potential job is so exciting, though. It’s at the church that I adore, because I had a really great experience there for two years. I loved the people there and was very sad to leave. I’m also excited because it means I get to use my brain and my creativity and my compassion again. I get to organize things and take care of people, and be a part of something really good and important. And finally, I’ll be able to do quite a bit of my work from home, which has been a wish of mine for … a long time. It will give me enormous flexibility. Of course, I’m going to have to start driving my enormous commute again, and probably spend a few nights a week at my parents house in Eastern Mass, since that’s where the church is. But it won’t be like before. (While I was getting my degree to be a minister, at a school located in the Boston area, I was commuting to Western Mass every weekend to be with W, so only got to see her for about 48 hours a week. I did that for three whole years, and swore I would never do it again.) This really is different though, because the time frame would be reversed. I would mostly be here at home with W and would only be away for a day or two every week. And I would get to see my parents more. They don’t know about this possibility yet, so I’ll have to run it by them, but I think it will be okay.

The main thing is that I’ve really been making myself small at my current job. It’s so beneath my abilities, and I’ve known that all along. I took it (basically a data entry position) because I was burned out and tired and wanted something easy. And easy it is. Most of the time. This week and the next week or two, not so much, because of all the changes. But in general, I have very little responsibility, just to plug through the work that I’m given. No decision-making, except which pile to tackle next. And it’s been what I’ve needed, because I was burned out. But now I’m better, and now I’m bored. That other job I applied for was my first attempt at finding something more to my liking and ability. But I didn’t get it.

I read the Secret a while ago, and have been using it to frame my thoughts, while taking it with a grain of salt. Anyway, I know it works because it’s always worked for me. I’ve always gotten what I’ve needed when I needed it. Sometimes it’s been something I didn’t expect, but it always works. Most of the jobs I’ve gotten have kind of fallen into my lap, without a huge amount of effort from me, in terms of looking for them. I take the first few steps in job-hunting, then someone mentions an opportunity, or I happen to apply for the perfect job and then I get it. Just before I met W, I had just finished getting over a bad breakup (it took me over a year to get over it). I decided that it was time to meet someone, seriously, and I made a list for myself of what I wanted. I think I actually used a book (cheesy title, but it worked for me) to think through exactly what I wanted. My list was several pages long, and I was honest with myself for the first time about several things I thought I didn’t deserve to ask for. Like finding someone with the same kind of religious commitment that I had (remember, I was in school to become a minister at the time.) It was really about being honest, respecting myself, and not settling. Anyway, a matter of days after I wrote the list, I met W. I had posted a personal ad thingy on one of the online dating sites, but was getting absolutely nowhere with that. That’s not how I met her. I met her at a week-long youth advisor training in Maine that we both attended. We got to be good friends during that week. I never would have expected to meet someone so much older, and it took me a while to allow the possibility of being with someone older to feel okay. But she’s perfect for me. We’re deliriously happy.

I’m getting off my point here. Anyway, what happened was, I took steps to ask for what I wanted. And even though my direct application was rejected (my online ad), the person I was looking for showed up. It may be that the same thing is happening here. And I was ready to recognize it because my eyes were open to what I really wanted, not what I had thought I wanted in the past. There’s a saying that I saw in a fortune cookie and taped to my computer monitor at work: Chance favors the prepared mind.

I hope that it does work out, financially and otherwise. It will be a big change for me, but I’ve been needing one. My current job has been making me cranky and mean. I’ve been losing my temper a lot, and that’s a bad sign. So hopefully this is a good next step, and hopefully I’ll be happy there again. And hopefully I can do a good job. Cross your fingers or say a prayer or do whatever it is you do for me. Thanks.

an opportunity

I got a phone call last night, offering me a job.  (Well, asking me to apply for a job, but I think I’ll get it if I apply.) I’m trembling. 

Here’s the background.  Six years ago, I went to school to become a minister.  I graduated two years ago, and haven’t done anything with it.  I took a job a year and a half ago that is way beneath my abilities because I was burned out, I had just gotten married, moved to a new community, and needed a simple life without stress.  While I was in school I did an internship for two years in a church that I absolutely loved.  The minister and I worked really well together, the congregation was supportive and vibrant and wonderful, and the whole experience was great.  After I graduated, as I said, I was so burned out I didn’t want any more to do with it, not then, and I haven’t really wanted to.  Maybe I’ll finish my ordination requirements someday, maybe I won’t.  In either case, it was a great experience.

The phone call I got last night was from the minister of that church.  Let’s call him Bob.  Bob told me that the religious education director left at the beginning of the summer, for various reasons.  They are looking for someone to be their interim director as kind of a buffer before they find a permanent replacement.  It would be a one year job, with a possibility of a second year. 

I’ve been talking it over with W and I think I’m going to go for it.  It wouldn’t have benefits, so I would have to negotiate and figure out how we want to arrange health insurance and stuff like that (right now we have insurance through my job because it’s a much better plan than W’s work offers.)  Oh, and this job is 130 miles away. 

I feel like I’m insane to consider it.  But it would let me be me again, not this made-small, timid version of myself that I’ve been hiding in for the last year and a half.  It would be hard, but I think in a good way, a challenging way that would make me feel like a real person again.  So I’m going to go for it.  And the thought of telling my current boss I’m leaving makes me cringe and feel like crying and laughing and … such mixed emotions all rolled together.  I’m not entirely coherent yet.  W and I have been looking at numbers and figuring out if the money will be okay if I take this, considering all the driving and other changes we might have to make.  But we’ll make it work, we always do.  And I could be in that church again.  I love that church.  I was married in that church.  I didn’t think I’d ever really be part of it again.  But now I might have this chance, and it’s so exciting and I feel like a weight is being lifted off me.  And I’m so scared that I’ll get burned out again, or be stressed out all the time, or be bad at it, or … I don’t know.  That it will be bad.  But I think I have to try it.  And it’s only for a year if it doesn’t work.  And I would be free…  Free to be creative and be myself and make a difference because I haven’t made a bit of difference to anyone since I’ve been in this job.  And that’s not who I meant to be. 

There will be more about this later.  Right now I still have enormous piles of work at my current, brain-numbing job, that really do have to be attended to.  But I might get to leave soon!  Okay.  Okay.  My head hurts from all the weird and crazy emotions dancing around in there.  I yelled at Zelda, the crazy dog, at lunchtime when I was at home today.  I yelled at her for being scared and weird, and that makes me a horrible person, dammit.  But I’m not really horrible, I’m just a little unbalanced today.  And I have a good reason, too. 

 Too many things are just whizzing through my mind.  For right now I’m going to do my work and be a good girl for just a little while longer.  I’ll let myself go a little crazy this weekend.  Very soon.

timing

I was looking at the calendar, trying to figure out when we might start insemming if we finally do get our act together.  Probably not this cycle (I just started my period) because that’s right when we leave for vacation.  Maybe it would work, but that’s too soon, anyway.  Okay, so more likely the soonest start date would be beginning of September.  I think I’m feeling antsy to get the show on the road.  We do everything slowly, that’s our style.  But what we really do is talk about it and nod and not do anything for a long time and then get inspired or something and get stuff done in a hurry.  I’m feeling the get-stuff-done phase coming on.  Seriously.  Because if we don’t get a move on, it’s going to be October before we even start.  And that feels like a long time to wait before the real waiting even begins.  All that ‘Did it work this time?’ waiting, I mean.  So yeah, I want things to move.  I still have to think of a code name for our donor, too.  Important things need to happen. 

detachment

I’m having one of those days where I feel detached and yet everything around me is defined in merciless clarity.  None of the normal edge-blurring effect that helps you walk through your life without noticing every little thing.  I feel like the objects on my desk are all too real, and I notice the ugly ankles and wrinkled clothing of the people I see in the lobby.  Part of this is that my Hi-I-don’t-know-how-to-use-a-stapler colleague* started her new job in a different department today, so I’m at her old desk.  Changing perspective can do this, I know.  And I am teetering on the edge of a hormonal shift, since I’m expecting my period any…minute…now…  But this inconvenient clarity keeps nudging me into moments of identity crisis.  What the hell am I doing here?  Is this all I’m good for?  Will I ever find a meaningful job that I can handle without having a meltdown?  Are we ever going to get our act together and actually get me knocked up?  Enough with the preparing already, let’s get the sperm and let it do its thing.  Yeah, it always comes back to sperm, doesn’t it?  Okay, not always.  In fact, it rarely comes back to sperm.  But once or twice it does.  And…moving on. 

So I have these moments, and then absurdity breaks in and I return to some shade of normalcy.  On the plus side, my new desk?  I now have my back to the wall and am facing the door.  So even if my boss walks right in while I’m typing this, she would have to climb around behind me to see that I’m slacking instead of working.  I used to have a nervous twitch, every time someone walked near my door I’d quickly switch back to the work screen instead of the messing around wasting time screen.  But now I have privacy.  This will last approximately three weeks, because I’m getting moved out of this office into some other kind of space with even less privacy than I’ve ever had.  Bye-bye, hours of blog reading at work, I fear.  Sigh.   

*I still need to write that snarky post about her bizarre inability to use a stapler correctly.  People, a stapler.  Not complicated equipment.

sad

I didn’t get the job.  Remember the job?  That I applied for a billion years ago?  Well, I found out today that I didn’t get it.  So I’m sad.  It would have been really a good thing.  I’ll be sad and disappointed for about a day and then I’ll get over it.  Then I’ll start focusing on the reasons it’s good to stay in my current job.  And we just won’t think too hard about how good that 60% raise would have been. 

I figured you must all have been waiting and wondering (ha, ha) so I thought I’d let you know.  Well, the good news is I’ll still have plenty of time to mess around on the internet while I’m at work.  The bad news is that’s because I’m still bored out of my mind.  So be it.  Something better will come along.

our covenant

I’ve been trying to figure out how to approach the next steps of the baby process. So far we’re dragging our heels a bit, I think, because the next logical thing is to sit down with our potential donor and discuss specifics. That’s going to be really difficult for us, because we both like to put off awkward conversations. W even more than I, I think, and donor-corralling has been her arena. But on the other hand, I also trust that everything will happen in its proper time. So there is no need to be afraid or anxious because everything will happen just when it’s supposed to. Including difficult conversations, I suppose.

As I said above, the next logical step is to sit down and have a conversation about testing and agreements and logistics. But the next step for us might not be the logical one.

When we first met and started dating (not that there was a lot of dating going on, but it’s hard to give it some other title. Got together? You know what I mean), a few weeks into our relationship we created a covenant for our relationship. We created a document, a sacred document really, expressing our commitments to each other and spelling out what it meant to us. It included things like, “I agree to treat you respectfully,” “I agree to smile often,” “I agree to talk when we need to talk,” and things like that. We read it to each other every weekend for at least the first two and maybe three years. Those phrases became touchstones for us, little reminders, especially in difficult moments, of what we had signed on for. Willingly, openly, and mutually signed on for. It kept us honest, it made us feel safe, and it gave us a construct of a sort to fall back on.

We’ve fallen out of the habit lately. I think we mostly stopped once I moved in and we no longer had that weekly visit to provide structure for a ritual. And we also got married, incorporating our covenant of the relationship into the much more formal covenant of our marriage ceremony. And daily life took over, so we rarely read it aloud to one another any more. But we read it to each other this weekend, to mark the fifth anniversary of the day we met.

Reading it reminded me that we always knew it would be a living document, changing as we needed it to. Taking the step of creating a child together calls for revisiting and revising our commitments. So I think that the next step for us is to create a covenant of parenthood, or intent-to-parenthood, or something like that. It may not be the logical next step, but I’m pretty sure it’s the right next step for us.

feeling blue

I’ve been feeling blue on the weekends lately. I’ve been trying to figure out why, because that’s what I do. I feel things and then I analyze the heck out of them. So anyway, I’ve been trying to figure out why I feel kind of down on the weekends, and often I’ve been getting irritable and taking it out on W. Am I lonely? Unfulfilled? Stressed out? Not stressed, exactly. Maybe a little bored and lonely. And irritable with W? I sometimes miss how things were with us, right at the beginning. We were so madly in love that the world around us didn’t exist. I was floating for months. I’m sure we were pretty nauseating. That kind of intensity doesn’t last, but I kind of wish we had a bit more of it these days.

I think what secretly bothers me occasionally is that I feel like I sacrificed some things in order to put my energy and attention into this new marriage of ours. I didn’t pursue my career that I got my masters degree for, because it would have been draining and would have required us to move. I don’t regret that–it wasn’t (and still isn’t) right for me right now. I moved to Western Mass, became a part of W’s life and left a lot of my own behind. I don’t regret it. Getting married and having a good relationship is one of the most important things to me, and I know that good marriages take work and energy in order to be really successful and beautiful. So I’m here, I’m showing up. The problem is, and I am hesitant to put this out here… sometimes I feel like W is not putting the same kind of energy into it. And I know if she gave up those same things we’d just sit at home and become completely codependent and weird. That’s not exactly what I want. I just want… more. More something. And perhaps it’s completely unfair to put it on her. I know that my job is boring and unfulfilling and I need something more there. And my social life and social network out here need some help, too. But every once in a while I feel like yelling, “You can’t just coast and let me do all the work here, buster!” But I don’t, because that would be really unfair. That’s not really how it is. But it’s my little insecure self feeling self-pity and put upon and wanting to have a tantrum. But I still feel it sometimes, you know?

So I guess I’ll work on that other stuff, the stuff that’s about me, my work, my creativity, my feeling fulfilled. But I’m not going to just let us coast on former infatuation. Marriage takes tending and commitment and work, dammit. We have something precious here and we have to take care of it. (W has heard this speech countless times. I think she’s getting tired of it.) But it’s true, it’s so true, it’s one of my deepest truths. It’s something I can’t compromise on. We have something amazing and I never want to take it for granted. And that’s why I get so intense about it. Sometimes too intense, and I convince myself we’re a step away from disaster, and then I panic. That totally doesn’t help. We find a middle road together, I think. Crafting a marriage is a joint effort, and I have to remember not to just bulldoze her until I get exactly what I want. Because that defeats the whole point, doesn’t it?

Have a lovely weekend, everyone.

And go take a look at this picture of Sara, our beloved dog, who died a year and a day ago. We still miss her a lot.

Appropriation

IMG_1575.jpg, originally uploaded by elizabethtm.

Maeve & Nisha took over one of the dogs’ folding crates this afternoon. (The scary glares are aimed at me for disturbing them by taking flash pictures during their nap.) Rough life, being a cat, isn’t it?

I’ve been afraid to comment on anyone’s blog lately because I realized that if they clicked on my blog link, the first thing they would know about me would be that post about our “fight.”  And so I’ve been thinking, Gee, I really should write something new so that’s not on the top of my blog.  And then…. blank mind.  Nothing interesting happening here.  Just observations about the weather and the boringness of my job.  Not that I have anything particularly better to say today, I just don’t seem to care whether it’s interesting.  I feel like blogging. 

And because I’m really trying to be myself here, no hiding and cleaning up who I am so people will like me.  I do too much of that in my real life, I should be free at least here, where you don’t know my real name or who I am. 

So in that vein, I feel like telling you that I think I ovulated yesterday.  I’ve been trying to test myself lately, find out whether I can tell I’m ovulating based on observations or whether I’m going to need to buy a bunch of test strips to narrow down the timing.  I made my official guess that I was ovulating on Monday, so I wasn’t too accurate this week.  I knew right away on Tuesday that I had guessed wrong, of course.  I would just love to be as low-tech as possible with this getting-pregnant process.  I don’t mind charting.  I actually love charting.  When I started, I felt like saying, F.ertility Friend, where have you been all my life?  Charts!  Numbers! Graphs!  Checkboxes!  Record-keeping!  But maybe I’m just cheap, and don’t want to buy all kinds of assistive devices.  I want so badly to just get pregnant easily.  The way my friend (married to a man) was able to take her temp for a month and get pregnant.  I want to stay non-anxious for as long as possible. 

So that’s where I am.  I ovulated yesterday.  I want to get pregnant.  And the weather was crappy yesterday.